More Than The Quiet Girl

I've always been known as the “quiet girl”. That’s been my label for as long as I can remember.

In high school I hopped between groups but mostly, I was the quiet sidekick to my best friend’s loud, superhero-like persona.

In college I tried to cling to what I knew and in that the label stuck. It stuck because it was the same people, the same people who didn't know me as anything else.

I was always in the background, and although I didn't want the spotlight and I hated the thought of being the centre of attention, I wanted to feel like I belonged. It felt like walls kept going up and all I did was shrink away. It felt like there wasn't a place for me — not where I was and not anywhere.

University and the chance to move away for it gave me the opportunity for a fresh start that I had been waiting for. My home-town was starting to feel like a cage that I wanted and needed to break free of. Leaving would be the chance to shed my label and create a new one. What I wanted that to be, I didn't know. I wanted it to be anything but the one I had.

I have always been fascinated by the new, by the chance to start over, because it feels like you can re-start. It’s an opportunity to go back and get a second chance. Or a third chance, or a fourth chance, or a fifth, sixth, seventh chance. No matter how many times you've done it before. No matter how many times you screw it up.

I've never been good with first impressions but with each new one you can always hope that you’ll do it differently.

Not as much changed as I thought it would. As I hoped it would. In University I was still the “quiet girl” but what I did shed was the idea that I couldn't be more.

As my confidence grew I learned a lot about me and who I am and what I want and can achieve. The experiences I had and the people I met inspired me to be me, but a better a version of me. I was growing into the person I wanted to be, but I was also learning how to accept the parts I couldn’t change. I’ll always appreciate those who showed me that it’s okay not to change overnight, and you can still get to where you want to go with a few flaws that might not turn out to be as bad as you thought they were.

I learned that you don’t have to hide parts of you. You don’t have to cover up with masks and a smile and an “I agree”. You don’t always have to agree and you shouldn't have to fight with yourself to make peace with those around you.

There comes a point when you have to stop living for the next expectation from someone else. You can spend your whole life trying to fit in to this pre-existing mould that exists in society but at some point who you are is going to break through.

Make sure to surround yourself with people who will still love you when the walls come down.

After all, if you don’t do “real”, if what you put out is fake, then what you get back will never be more than temporary. You can chase whomever you want, you can put on all of the masks you can find, but in the end all you’ll be left with is an empty space where they once were.

I thought the key to solving all of my problems was not being who I had always been. I was the problem and fixing it was a process of turning myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I was this and I was that and I was miserable.

What I had yet to realise was that the only way to fix it was to forget the idea that I had to be everything to everyone. You truly can’t please everyone — you’ll make some mad, some smile, some jealous and some just plain furious but never will you be what everyone wants. Nor do you want to be.

You will never be everyone’s cup of tea and there isn’t enough milk and sugar in the world to dilute enough to impress some people. And you shouldn’t want to dilute yourself to the point where you’re bubbly, wild, happy-go-lucky personality is dull and bland and to other’s tastes.

I learned to be what I want and to be confident in defending who I continue to choose to be.

You are your label but your label is not you.

You are a heck of a lot more. You are small things that add up to big things that make up who you are as a person. You are more than the words spoken that you’ve been carrying around all of these years and you are more than what you’ve been limiting yourself to be.

The best way to destroy your label is to break the hell out of it and find the people who will stick around to help you pick up the pieces after you’re done.